I have dreaded this day. As I pondered how to approach his birthday, I fought memories of birthday’s past. It’s still too painful to even think about them. I remembered last year, his thirtieth and was engulfed in my loss. Goodbye to hope for new tomorrows, the children he will never have, (they would have been beautiful!) and the Pokey Little Puppy nursery quilt that will never need to be made, (that was his signature Golden Book) and my desire to just seeing him happy, truly happy, in his own home, with a full life. It all feels stolen, so lost.

However, except for one of those feelings mentioned, none  are the truth.

People say, “But we can’t deny the truth!” Ah, but facts and feelings are not the truth. They are fluid, temporal and earthly things that change every day, but Gods word remains forever. His word is truth.

The truth is that, as far as tomorrows, he has forever to spend in heaven. David believed in the finished works of Jesus (John 3:16, Romans 10:9) In regards to his own home, the Bible says that the Father prepares a mansion for us. (John 14:2-3). I’m sure he has his home all tricked out or is having fun doing so! All a parent wants is for their kids to be happy. Well, he hasn’t been this happy in his whole life! His life is full of purpose and boy, what a dream for the kid that never wanted to sleep, never wanted to miss a thing: he probably never has to sleep! He has all of eternity, forever, to be happy.

If he is so happy, what is the problem? It just isn’t happening where I can see it. Yet.

I am constantly challenged to stop thinking of myself, my pain, my thoughts and focus on what God says about David and thus, me, too. At times I am bombarded by sad thoughts in attempt to pull me down to a place of useless defeat.  If I stay focused on my feelings, it is easy to lose perspective, lose sight of the truth.  That is a sad place, indeed.

I will not succumb, for I know my Father and He is good. He is life and He is faithful. I believe His word, even when it goes against  religion, (man made doctrines) society, friends and my feelings. “Know the truth and the truth will set you free” (John 8:32) The truth is David is fine and I must remember this at all times.

The word says that Jesus carried all our griefs and sorrows. ( Is 53:4) If He has died to deliver us from them,  why are we taking them back? Sadness becomes grief when we allow the feelings to contradict God’s truth about our circumstances. This state of grief can lead you away from His plan for your life. It steals your joy and your purpose. Anything that comes against the word of God is sin. So yes, grieving can easily become wrong.  (2 Corinthians 10:5 )

I miss my son more than words can express.  Sadness comes sometimes gently and other times like a rip tide.  As I ask myself how I can best honor my son on his birthday,  it is by staying in faith and trusting and believing only what God says.

What do we do with his birthday? Short answer: make new memories. Today his family will gather together at his favorite restaurant and enjoy his favorite food. We will tell stories of old and acknowledge his first birthday in heaven. We will create a new way, from the old, of celebrating his birthday.

Here is to you, son. Happy birthday!  Love you always, always, always.~ Mommy

*** In memory of David Joseph Paskiewicz March 5, 1987- October 17, 2017